Ink

It is ink that I write with,
The pages are printed in
And is tattooed to my soul.
Yet these words I speak do anything but fill me up

Once more I am speaking with knowledge found with an old mans heart
Yet with the type of innocence a kid would have making a fool of himself.

I am empty
And the echo resonates within my bones
Lies stammer out of my mouth
My teeth cry out in anguish, but I’m not heard
My body will wither without truth
Show me a way, and give me an out to this disease.

Help me detox this state I’m in
My words endlessly echo in my head
Pumping through my blood
Up to my eyes it boils within me and i see red.

Our conversation haunts my innermost being
Don’t listen to me- sometimes nothing is something.

Unbreakable, that’s how I seem to come across
Strong, is only what I seem to be.
I need comfort.
Yet the only sound that sooths my senses is a monotonous heartbeat
The sound of my heart

Id rather have not spoken those words at all.
For deaf is the ears they fall on
Like snow in the jungle my presence is deemed unwanted
This shot of memory has all but overtaken my mind

Poem by J.A.D. © 2007

The Vacant Expression

Going to the end of the earth to crack open some hidden secrets
Where the lions roar becomes nothing more than a cats weeping.
As we make our approach my thoughts rapidly swirl

In my head like a wild animal with no regard for anyone
These offensive ideas, these tentacles–
They surround me and strike at me with no particular order
Without any charge of wrong doing.

Yet I talk like I know something more
Like something struck me while at a coffee house
Scribbling some theological verse on the back of a napkin

In a blink of brilliance
But I only write these tragedies as I see them

Creeping in through the back door.

I have arrived
And I have to block out certain thoughts so I don’t lose my mind.
That’s why you see my vacant expression
I block it out
It leaves me with empty feelings, like bullets that have already fired.
Yet despite this my thoughts remain scattered like the rain

I fear you will hate me and see me as I am
For I am just one of so many crying out in this circus of life.
A life where my generation would rather be publicly embarrassed

Than socially ignored.
Our new found democracy is nothing more than hypocrisy
I can smell it, thick in the air like a storm brewing overhead.

I tend to pack these thoughts like a madman in the hunt
Because I’m nothing more than a fraud, a failure.
And yet these words seem to give me some magical power

A right to spew my fight from within.
And even after all is said and done, my words just stand still
Smoldering embers and no flame in sight
A fire that has been pushed to the verge of being extinguished.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2007

The Inept Clown

I have come to realize
I am incapable of understanding a love for me that isn’t broken
Incapable of understanding the love I receive isn’t blemished.

Yet, I feel so put out.
Am I capable of being loved?
The love that a father gives to his son
A kind of passionate, phenomenon I’ve come to adore

Maybe I pose the question wrong,
Perhaps I am just as incapable of loving.
I don’t think my heart really believes this,
Unless all of these times I cried
I’ve just been shedding tears of a clown.
Oh God, my God.
Please don’t prove me to be a fool.

Why does it seem so impossible?
I am in a constant battle between logic and formula
Yet the formula makes no logic

It makes as much sense as someones innocence being stolen,
Or someone really loving me for who I am.
Oh my God
Help stop tears from flowing down my face.
I can taste the makeup that has been covering me
Maybe I am the clown…

I just want to be reminded that I am loved,
Instead of how weak and broken I am.
I still carry this same hunger for love I have all my life.
Packed up like a suitcase that never leaves my side
The biology of it calls my name.

I love with no boundaries
But that does little to ease the sting of being lonely.
My body somehow reacts to closeness like one would react to a disease
Rejecting the contact before it spreads.

Time will move on and with it old friends.
Even as I fight against this and try to keep these connections

Alas, my fight is like a child trying to stop an escalator
It has already been set in motion
I can only feel the movement under my feet,
Yet remaining incapable to change anything about it.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2007

iPray

I hear but I don’t understand
In the midst of friends and laughter
I hide behind a shell of what remains from battle
What you see is my vanity bleeding,
This is my sobering touch of reality.

I want to sit and be soaked.
Drenched in the starlight from the sky as it mystifies my every thought
It is these divine lights that swirl above my head and give me hope as I pray to God above
“Brings fire to our souls
Peace to our minds
Makes us burn for more..
As you make a kindred fire in our heart
Your never consuming fire.”

You know these unspoken words,
I am hurt
As much as I can see clearly
Understanding this mess I call my life
I fear I’ll never do.

Hurt takes on a multitude of faces
From unspoken circumstances
To looks and turned shoulders
The fire of hate that burns within so many,
Mistakes that haunt and expose scars
And a failure that I am forced to look at everyday in the mirror.

Each takes a mind numbing stab at me for a greater cause
Bringing me down in a new way
Making me fear this thing called love.
If I could only push inward – past these numb feelings
To Love ten times more than I’ve ever hurt,
It would be so brave

Herein lies the problem
I am not brave.
And I ask myself, is fear really at the heart of love?
Or just at the heart of my love…

Poem by J.A.D. © 2007

A Rivers Withdrawal

I feel as if I must put up this wall
Cold sweat drips off my forehead,
To let you think things go deeper than they are

You will let me shed a tear and write theological words
As I impose my will, you will think of me higher,
Think of me deeper…
Think of me everything I am not when I think in this river of thought.

It cascades around me
So let me withdraw and pull back from any true relationship
As I repeat my own history that I despise.
I fail at everything I try,
And I suceed at doing everything I wish I didn’t.

I am endlessly bleeding these thoughts.
Every heartbeat hurts
No love in the sky but maybe
Someday you will love life like my heart aches to live..

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

Mind over matter

What is it, this film…
The taste of a lie in my mouth.
You look at me, we lock eyes in this glorious moment,
But I look away knowing I simply can’t,
You call my name knowing what to say.
Pleasure and excitement fills me from head to toe…
I know that I’m not doing it…If I tell myself enough times…
I might believe it.
I keep telling myself mind over matter
That lie resonates in my brain and the echo’s of it look down
They look down the empty hallways I call memories

Mind over matter
And now I’ve gone too far.
I turn back to my girl and the shame fills my body.
Feeling dirty all over I struggle to keep eye contact
My hands shake as I realize what a mistake I have just made
I bought this self discovery on impulse
And it costs dearly.

I turn my head and offer a prayer,
And shiver at the cool silence that crashes over me.
Help me make the right choice,
My mind is willing, my flesh so weak.
I finally start to realize its matter over mind.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

The Encounter With Fire

A man quietly steps into his black room
Editing the film, he cuts it and lays it gently down on the table
Never ignoring his emotions he starts to cry

It is the sensation when emotions run rapid and overwhelm the body

What lay at his fingertips now past
A frame of life
Now, just once was.

Walking outside towards a field
He can’t help but look up
These stars-
These swirling divine lights
Since he was a little boy they’ve looked over him
Tonight they just seemed to press against his inner thoughts
Showing him a new intimacy with his soul, that he didn’t ask for

His shallow glance upon the heavens was meant to harm
The judgmental attitude of pain was about him
He shouted out to the Lord in agony.
“Show me the way,
Let me see it with your eyes oh Lord my God”
And the Lord answered his prayer that night.

All the nature outside stopped in terror
The rain started to come down, and beat upon his head
It shook his infrastructure
His legs were shaky and collapsed like none other
Hands hitting the ground, nails digging into the soil
His heart beat loudly in his ears, and his blood pressure rose
A frantic moment in time
And he crashed to the ground, as the heavens opened up.

Trying to look up was hard enough, but all he could see was a glow.
Making out two eyes, he squinted at the brightness
Two eyes stared upon him, looking deep into his unknowns with compassion and forgiveness.
He was sacred, and his insides shook.

Then in a Holy Moment
His eyes burned with Love, and tingled like fire.
And in a moment he saw through out saviors eyes.

Do you see the fire in his eyes?
Unleash the man within you.
You were created for a bigger purpose.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

My Maker

Maker of heaven and earth
My song is to you

Praise be to God who gives us knowledge and a choice!
Everlasting father – take me with you.
Send your holy fire upon this land and wake the nations!
O God my God
Help me.
My every thought– my every waking moment
To be lived out as you would have
Lord let your will be done within me
My soul is in torment in anticipation of your return
And I sing with jubilee
Save my friends, take me instead!
For they do not yet know you- and you are my father whose hands I know.
Let my brother see past his hatred for the church
Give him pure eyes to see what money means
Make him a father who will show the Love of You
The stars in the sky proclaim you are God
You are the light in this fallen world..
Help me twinkle and reflect – for a moment your face
You are the angel in the night
This is my canvas to life-
Help me show the Kinkades how it is done.
Handle my frail body with care- and lay me down beside you
For as sure as the night is dark my love grows for you
Take this gasoline and pour it over me
I want to burn for you – I want to be a
Flaming torch that people squint when they see!
Forgive me for my foolish flesh knows no other way
You are the love of my life.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

War on Terror

Who gave purpose to chance?
Daily a symphony for you I hope my life brings.
Get on your feet!
Fight the battle that wages war upon you
Fear Not!
Why should we not expect the same treatment as you received
a king, The King – how much better are we?
So we sit back and live out or lives, waiting for something big.

Our bones tingle and our senses love stories…
Wars being waged and the one with much gift prevails!
So I sit in this library of knowledge
Telling me everything I know, and nothing I don’t

How much will any of this mean centuries from now?
We cry out like a violin under pressure, and crack.
Much like a violin – we are fragile people
We get attached to people and to things,
To anyone who will listen.

About 1 billion
That is the number of Muslims that need us!
Why as an Arab war – men give their lives for their God
How sad are we!?
O Blessed nation of God – whose men hide behind excuses to get involved
Shallow we are and easily tempted.

We have great expectations
Why cant we live up to them?
Don’t gain the world and lose your soul,
Rather give and live your life in service for others.
Live with a passion for Jesus.
Is it in you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006